Thanks to films and TV series, many people imagine couples therapy as the last resort to save a marriage. The couple quarrels for a long time, reaches the brink when there seems to be nothing left to save, and only then goes to a psychologist. Further everything will depend on the genre of the film, but quite often the partners reconcile, because the audience loves happy endings.
It doesn’t work quite like that in reality. A psychologist is a helper, not a magician. He won’t glue together something that’s already in a million pieces. But he can show you how to clean up the pieces so no one gets cut. So it’s more effective to see a specialist often when small cracks appear. But not only that. Here are a few situations where a psychologist can be helpful.
1. If you can’t hear each other
The idea that no one in the world is telepathic and you need to be able to talk things through has finally become popular. But understanding its importance is not enough. Speaking and, most importantly, hearing your interlocutor is a skill that must be learnt and comes with experience. So there can be many challenges in the process.
There are times when a person says something and his partner does not perceive his words. This is not because he is stubborn or inattentive. We are influenced by emotions, experience and other factors. Therefore, phrases while flying from the mouth to someone else’s ears can change the meaning. Let’s say one utters: “Let’s now decide on holiday plans – I feel anxious when there is no certainty”. His interlocutor can hear different things – from “You’re bad and you make me anxious” to “It’s not clear whether we’ll still be together by the holiday or not, I doubt it”. And the bottom line is that the strategy of talking hardly ever works. Fixing it from the inside is often difficult because both participants are emotionally involved in the situation.
But it’s also possible to talk in different ways. The same thought, expressed in different words, can be taken as a caring good wish or as an accusation that will lead to a new emotional explosion. This is especially true in quarrels where both people are already tense.
A psychologist in this case just in this case can act as a mediator who will teach to talk and listen. A good specialist will identify frequent problems in communication and point them out, give tools on how to make it more effective. But, of course, much will depend on how much the partners are willing to work on themselves and on the relationship.
2. If you are in a relationship crisis
There are several stages in a relationship. At first, we experience euphoria and merging. It seems that there are no people in the world more suitable for each other, and the beloved is seen through rose-coloured glasses. But that feeling will fade over time. Hormones will come to normal, and it turns out that the partner – a separate personality with its own habits, desires and shortcomings. That is not ideal. Often relationships at this point break up because they are perceived as a mistake. Everything was so good, and then suddenly it stopped. And the myth of romantic love dictates to us that it should not be so, after the wedding everyone lives happily ever after.
In fact, this is an inevitable stage that all couples face. And the further development of events depends on them. Someone hastily disperses. Someone tries to rub together and finds out that they are different people and they have no future, and then breaks up or tolerates. And someone accepts the partner is not ideal, but a real person and reaches the next level, where there will be not only love, but also friendship and respect.
Psychologist will help to pass through the crisis with less losses – although not with a guaranteed result. Because at this point it is important for people to “reacquaint” with each other. To look at the partner not through rose-coloured glasses, but through the prism of reality. What are their flaws and strengths, goals and needs, views on life. And the main thing: whether it is realistic for both to reconcile with all this or it will mean eternal suffering.
The psychologist here does not make a decision for the couple, he just helps them to make a “new acquaintance”. Without a specialist, people can also go through this stage. But not everyone manages not to slip into constant quarrels, accusations and frustration.
