Sometimes it feels as if you are talking not to a person, but to a wall. The interlocutor doesn’t ask any questions and responds with one-word answers, so it’s unclear why the conversation should even continue. A possible explanation for why such frustrating dialogues occur was suggested by a young doctoral student, Adam Mastroianni, who does research at Columbia Business School. He wrote an interesting essay in which he presents his classification of interlocutors.
What types of interlocutors can be
Adam Mastroianni identified two types: the “giver” and the “taker”. “Giver” perceives the conversation as a sequence of invitations to exchange lines, “taker” – as a sequence of unilateral statements.
If the conversation involves interlocutors of the same type, as a rule, everything goes well. Problems begin when interlocutors of different types communicate with each other according to the usual scheme, where the “giver” gives and the “taker” receives. In such a situation, the first one may take offence: “Why doesn’t he ask any questions?” Meanwhile, the second may enjoy the conversation: “She must think I’m a very interesting person!” Or, on the contrary, may be annoyed: “I have the most boring job in the world. Why does he keep asking about her?”
In other words, the “giving” interlocutor usually asks more questions, because he believes that this is how a good conversation is built. “Taking” – is sure that it is better to communicate with affirmative sentences to make the conversation interesting.
How to understand what type you belong to
In addition to the above, there are a few other criteria that will help you figure out who you are:
Your attitude towards pauses. When there is silence in a conversation, the “giver” thinks he or she has done something wrong, while the “taker” thinks he or she should do something to liven up the conversation.
The culture of the society you grew up in. If individualism was not welcomed in your environment, you may not be comfortable being the centre of attention and talking about yourself and are more likely to be a ‘giver’. Conversely, if individualism was encouraged, you are more likely to be a ‘taker’.
Your personality type. Extroverts tend to be “takers” of conversations and introverts are usually “givers”.
How to put theory into practice
People may have different views on communication culture, but everyone wants to be noticed. Try switching between the two styles depending on the needs of the person you want to build a dialogue with. If your interlocutor cares about being asked questions, take on the role of “giver.” If you feel he or she is uncomfortable talking a lot about themselves, become a “taker.”
When you are talking to someone who is formally below you in status, such as a subordinate, it is easiest to take the “taker” position and let the other person ask questions. But in this case the communication can end very quickly. Therefore, if you are speaking from a position of leadership, it is important to train in yourself the skills of a “giver”: ask questions and give lines to which the interlocutor can respond, invite dialogue, and then listen.
